As simple as it may be

Why do I have the tendency to dive into things without thinking about the matter beforehand? I dived into this relationship like an idiot and now i’m paying the price. I’ve told this person that I loved them and I’m not even sure what it is that I want in life; Let alone get married to someone who already thinks that they’re madly in love with me. I’m only 18 years old and i’m only getting older. I shouldn’t be wasting my time with this person who doesn’t even live in the same state as me. I need someone who can hold and touch me, and not only give me words through a mic. Actually, I don’t need anyone at all if you ask me. I’ve been so obsessed with wanting to find someone who could give me all their love unconditionally that i’ve never taken the time to catch up on my own feelings. This person i’m with now, i don’t know if he loves me or not, or if he’s just in love with the idea of me. 

I hate the fact that I can’t express myself as well as how I used to in the past. I could practically turn anything into my own emotional punching bag without having to induce myself through frustration or disappointment. I’m just a simple college student seeking for her own purpose in life, and in fact, which is not what most college students at my age would be thinking. It’s all fun and games until your best friend is in head-first in a strangers toilet in the middle of the sierra Nevada desert suffering from alcohol poisoning. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I want to be surrounded by an environment of simplicity. Perhaps in some fantasy land like in the Lord of the Rings; Middle-earth doesn’t sound too shabby at the moment. Honestly, I would want to be an elf out of all the creatures in LoTR. They seem the most elegant and graceful, not much hostile or child-like like the dwarves or halflings. Perhaps i need this time to seek self peace instead of bottling it all inside like a ticking time bomb of destruction. 

I’ve gained a sense of realization in the past few hours since I’ve been on my lap top. This “phenomenon” I’m experiencing at the moment not only is baffling, but also painfully mind blowing. I cannot fathom the words that can create the perfect words to describe this episode; perhaps the word “nirvana” would be an appropriate word to describe this event that has spontaneously been placed upon me at this age and during this time. Buddhists believe that “nirvana” is the natural and spiritual experience a human being achieves when going through meditation; it is the self realization one achieves when finishing hundreds and hundreds of past lives and current lives and future lives that one finally becomes part of the universe. 

I do not know or understand why this has happened to me all of sudden, but i do know that it is an overwhelming realization, and i can’t stress enough how much in shock i am. I feel as if I am merely but a tiny speck in this whole world of ours. I have become self-aware, like how big daddy delta had become self aware in the depths of rapture when young Eleanor had awakened him. In the words of current hipster tumblr users, what is life? I don’t exactly know what I must do from this point on from my life. I just know that everything will be ultimately changed from this time on. The human mind is indeed an extremely fascinating subject that i will wish to dive into later in the future.

Perhaps my sudden interest in chemistry during my lecture class today was an early sign of realization. Well as i conclude this entry I will note one thing. From this point on I will be internally and externally changed. 

10knotes:

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(via pussalia)